Why?
I am studying psychology. I'm doing my grades based Honours programme. I talk people out of their rut and provide my presence and support. I've tried to do the same for and to myself. I've tried to convince myself that I care about myself.
Actually, I don't
My actions and thoughts say I don't.
A part of me feels guilty that I'm wasting everyone's care, concern and support. A part of me wants to piece and hold everything together.
Yet a part of me wants self-destruction
It's so weird and strange
I thought I was okay, but turns out I wasn't
I wish I could apply what I've learnt but touching everything just nets me a deep cut, so deep, everything burns and rots
I should know what to do. I should know what to say to myself.
But I'm not doing any of it
Any of it...
How long can I stay broken?
Thursday, September 6, 2018
Saturday, August 4, 2018
"When I get better"
It was her mantra for the longest of time
But I knew, deep down, she was never going to get better.
It is so strange to keep quiet about every observation I made. I was just seeing the world spin slowly to a stop, to the eventual destination that everyone else tried so hard to avoid
Half the time I don't feel real or physical, or that I'm here, perhaps this is what people call denial, but I think I've seen true denial, and that is one ugly motherfucker
There is a kind of slowness that is so hard to describe. Obviously. Everything has slowed, even the mind. Yet
In a paradoxical way, everything is so fast, the mind is both left behind, and leaving everything behind
A kind of cryptic code that sits there, an impression, you know and feel it, but you cannot verbalize it
It makes me wonder about why I shared to some, and not to others, and these others are people that I believe would care about it
And then I shared to unexpected persons, it didn't even make sense, but maybe, it does
Maybe it does
A kind of unfolding that's perhaps
It's crazy
It's crazy
Going into a zone, the zone of infinite movement and just, it's, dance
Fluff and cheese
The moon and the sun, night falls, mystery and illuminating, the breath is heavy, and then there is presence, knowing, knowing silence
Breathe
But I knew, deep down, she was never going to get better.
It is so strange to keep quiet about every observation I made. I was just seeing the world spin slowly to a stop, to the eventual destination that everyone else tried so hard to avoid
Half the time I don't feel real or physical, or that I'm here, perhaps this is what people call denial, but I think I've seen true denial, and that is one ugly motherfucker
There is a kind of slowness that is so hard to describe. Obviously. Everything has slowed, even the mind. Yet
In a paradoxical way, everything is so fast, the mind is both left behind, and leaving everything behind
A kind of cryptic code that sits there, an impression, you know and feel it, but you cannot verbalize it
It makes me wonder about why I shared to some, and not to others, and these others are people that I believe would care about it
And then I shared to unexpected persons, it didn't even make sense, but maybe, it does
Maybe it does
A kind of unfolding that's perhaps
It's crazy
It's crazy
Going into a zone, the zone of infinite movement and just, it's, dance
Fluff and cheese
The moon and the sun, night falls, mystery and illuminating, the breath is heavy, and then there is presence, knowing, knowing silence
Breathe
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